Milk. Cows. Cheese.

I hate the holidays.

They're decieving and backstabbing, and ridiculous and corny (not in a good way).

Everyone sauters over to they're "friends" houses and laughs and gossips and smiles, and gets buzzed (thinking that they're not buzzed because they're socializing politely and in "good company")
The sickiningly fake smiles plastered everywhere. Wasn't there a time when the holidays weren't fake and all about "Oh my, this wine is aaaabbbsolutely to die for"

I hate the fake cheer and the stupid christmas lights and the gingerbread everywhere. Being forced to interact with your family because "thats what the holidays are about".

You're supposed to WANT to be with those people.

I never do. I'd rather run from it all and laugh at some random thing with my friends and pretend everythings not killing me than sit with people who actually think I'm a bitch but act like I'm this intelligent young charming woman.

Fake isn't good. But I've found I have to use it to escape all that adult fake, which is way worse than kid fake.

Kid fake is to try to make you as happy as possible. Adult fake is to make you look happy as possible.

I'm not gonna lie. To anyone. I'm not a happy person (despite my amazing iPod and gorgeous Panic! posters and this computer). I'm not gonna ACT like I am. Maybe my friends don't know the extent to my unhappiness, but they're definitely not oblivious.
Neither is my family. But they ACT like it's not there when we're around other people.

Here's a crazy idea.... WHY DON'T YOU ACT LIKE YOU FEEL FOR ONCE INSTEAD OF PRETENDING YOU'RE "PERFECTLY GREAT" WHEN REALLY YOU JUST WANNA SHOVE THAT GLASS THAT OBNOXIOUS WOMAN WITH THE BUSHY UPPER LIP IS DRINKING DOWN HER FAT LITTLE THROAT?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!!?!?!

Presents. Nice.
Families. Too insane.
Holidays. Total shit, over 7/8ths of the time.

Go prance around in the phony holiday bask while you can.
When you become as bitter and realistic as me, go sit at your computer and blog about how bitter and realiztic you've become.

-suffocating- -choking- -death-

Sentimentally Foolish....

"Americans are soooo sentimental sometimes -exhasperated expression-"
:

This was stated by The Grandomother, and then agreed with by The Aunt.
:
They were talking about Forest Gump winning best picture at the Academy Awards the year it came out.

are
they
fucking
serious
.

Those two hypocrites are always complaining about how I'm not nice enough, and I'm disrespectful and evil and horrible to them. That I need to drop the 'tude.
And then they go and say Americans are to damn sentimental about judgement. ALL BECAUSE FOREST GUMP WON BEST PICTURE, LIKE A MILLION YEARS AGO?!?!?!?!?!?!?!

SERIOUSLY?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!

They're crazy. I don't want them. Here. Over there. Anywhere.

They may be family. But I don't need to love them.

AND THATS ANOTHER THING! They expect respect and expect love, because they raised me and we're blood and they provide for me.

Respect and love aren't things to give away. They're earned.

I'm not OBLIGED to love anyone. Nor do I NEED to respect them.
They give me nothing, but materialistic shit and "care", so suddenly I have to love them unconditionally?!?!?!?!?!?!
W
T
F
.
Bullshit. I hate being with them. I wouldn't even talk to them if I didn't have to see them.
They don't listen. They don't enjoy being with me, either. They pretend they do.

Fuck no.
They stick around because they want to "help" my "anger issues" and make sure I don't swallow a bottle of Advil one night.

They don't want me to turn into my mom.
Therapy, "love", and all that family shit is all crap.

Talking to somebody I'm basically being blackmailed into seeing isn't going to make me less angry, it's going to make me act out more.
I don't think I love them. We have moments, or whatever. But love is not a feeling I think I've ever experienced (and for that matter, I don't expect it. Ever.). They infuriate me. They're insufferable controlling people who are nieve enough to think they love me. They hate talking to me. Being around me, and having to listen to all the angry shit that I spit out.
I don't blame 'em. But don't put a goddamn sticker over it and act like I'm still the wandering little six-year-old who didn't have parents, a home, and still had emotions.

They don't think that, and they know I'm not. Which is why they think I'm gonna kill myself.

all they show, for chrissakes, is sentiment towards everything. Towards that random dog, that tree the lumberjacks are cutting down, and the fish that died in my fish bowl.

Am I evil because I can't stand my family? Is this regular teen angst? No. and No.
I want conversations that don't look down on me. That don't judge me because I hate so many things. Ones where they don't act like they're superior beings and I have to be nice to them because they're my family. With them, family is a traditional word and concept to be followed. But obligations and somebody telling you how to behave, how to be a person, is not what I was taught was family.
Love. Loving them because that's the emotion you feel.
Helping somebody out because thats the emotion your feeling.
Having issues but still being relatively solid.
When you come home sobbing because of something horrible, you're going to go to them because "they're always there". That usually means the sobbing is not caused by just being around them.
Being invading but being able to see the definite boundaries.
Noticing when another family member is feeling something not normal, instead of sauntering by while they type roughly and silently, while staring at a computer screen and saying "at seven get off the computer".

Family. Pffft, wouldn't I love to know what that felt like.
I once made my grandma cry when I told her we weren't a family.
I don't fit in with they're disgusting judgemental ways and they're happy-go-lucky view on life.
They weren't indefinitely left alone in the world at the age of six.
I've been destined to be solitary, on my own since my mom decided she couldn't handle all the shit she got thrown at her. It was going to happen, just looks like I had a few years before it kicked in.

I'm harsh and vicious towards anybody ridiculous, family/friend or not.
If your behavior is repulsive and being around you makes me want to break everyone of your teeth, I'm not gonna sit there with a fucking smile on my face while you sit there acting like THE QUEEN OF ENGLAND, FOR GODS SAKES!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I'm not even connected to them. They don't know who I am. And I don't want them to.
4 1/2 more years.
Only 4 1/2 more years. 4 1/2 more tears.

Thats it.

Then I get flung out on my ass to get eaten alive by the real world.

Thank
God
.

Oh what a Wonderbar world I live in.

Still as freaky as ever. Sad. Happy. All around just messed up.

But on top of all this crap, my family just blew up at me because I was lurking like I normall do on the computer, trying to find an interesting blog to read that WASN'T mine. I clicked on one, and some strange porn site came up.

It was a disaster to say in the least. Threats are being thrown at me. People are yelling. My aunt is lurking over my shoulder to make sure I'm not a perv.

Isn't my life just fantastic???????

I'm going to go now. Going to go wallow in silence as my family makes horrible attempts to communicate with me.

Bye. -Chloe

Hello Anyone.

What is wrong with me?

My life doesn't suck. I have a home and things other children would die for. But something is wrong. I might be self inflicting this unto myself, I have no idea. But i feel it.

I had a fantastic time with Luna this passed weekend. But something is so not right.
Even when I get fourteen hours of sleep, I feel tired. Well... not tired exactly. More... weary. Weary of everything. I don't know what I could possibly be weary about. But these feelings pop up in random situations. Lots of time in silence (I suppose that happens because in silence, you have the ability to absorb into your own head).

Even when I'm happy, there are moments when I feel angry, irritated, and flat out pissed off.
When I act happy, and post charming and entertaining things on Buzznet or email Olivia something foolish, the momentary feeling of happiness dissapears a couple minutes afterwards.

I feel as though I'm walking with a Halloween mask on. That it won't come off.

Something is so out of place, off balance. Just... not right.

I should feel joyous. Light like a balloon filled with helium. I have the Fall Out Boy concert next week, a week off, and Thanksgiving coming up in two days.
But I don't feel joyous. I feel flat, and heavy.

At the same time I'm complaining about these feelings, I think I'm self contradicting myself. There are so many moments in a day when I do feel happy. Maybe not airless or soaring happy, but happy. I enjoy many moments of my life. But the times when I don't feel that sense of happiness, the times when i feel flat and heavy seem to outweigh everything else I've ever felt.

There's something else bothering me.
I want somebody to love me. I want to love them.
What bothers me is that this bothers me.
It's not like my family doesn't care and worry about me and love me because I'm blood. But my mind wants more. It wants somebody to want me not because I'm blood, but because I'm there.

I'm only 13 and already I want somebody to love me? And I do mean love. Not like "I wanna get in his pants" or "ohmygod hes hot! I want him to ask me out".

But actual love. The unconditional kind that can drive you to insanity. The kind of love where you devote so much of your soul to one person that something that resembles a hole forms in your stomach. The sense of someone's eyes always watching you, even when you can't see them. The love that makes you warm whenever they speak to you, touch you, or just breathe. The feeling that you're not the only one crazy enough out there to want this. To imagine this.

Adults and parents are always telling teenagers that they don't know everything, and the teenagers always argue back that they do.

But I feel like I do know a lot. A lot more than hundreds of adults out there. But there's so much in my head and I never have time (or the courage) to let it out, that it dissipates into nothingness and then it's gone.
I kind of feel like I'm turning into one of those thoughts.
I also kind of feel like that no matter what I do, no matter what happens, that I am going to be here, solidly, forever. But that maybe no one is going to notice that I didn't float away. Or even notice I wasn't there if I did.

What the hell happened to me. I used to be different. I used to feel different.

Is anybody out there? Or am I alone in this great big, pitch black room of nothing.

One voice may not me able to change the world, but you'd be surprised how much it can change one person's life.

I'm waiting for that voice.

Bleh.ffffff

its been a really really really long time since my last post. and im sorry about that (not that anyone actually READS this thing.)
a lot has happened.
i cant remember if i told you this, but Luna moved to LA. i miss that woman. A lot.
One thing I know i havent informed you about... is Mr. Standridge leaving.
The day he told us, Megan, OLivia, Herron, Josie and I all bawled. Well, they did. I have somehow along my 13 years of crappy life, picked up the inability to cry. SO basically I just felt like shit.
In PE i sat on the field in the fetal position, while all the evil preps/jocks around me complained about how they had to switch their schedules for us damn Honors kids. I swear I almost died.
After Luna left, i went into about a month and a half of deepression. And it sucked.
Everythings been good lately, but I feel like I might be slipping. I dont want to slip.
This weekend is a three day weekend and i have doen absolutely nothing. I have done NONE of my homework (which is very very very bad), apparently, I've been doing a "half-ass job" at my chores, and im leaving for Megan's house in 10 minutes.
whooopeee. :
Herron and Olivia will be there too.
Herron told me something really personal last night. And although i dont quite understand the extent of it, I realize that it was really important to her. I felt really happy when she told me. The other day my grandma told me I had no sense of loyalty. And when Herron told me her story, i promised her, with all my heart, that i wouldn't tell a soul if she wished me not to. I also told her that if she ever needs someone to talk to, or to just be with her, that I'm here.
I've always been here.
I'm vaguely ecstatic though, because Luna's coming up to this crappy hometown of ours. We're going to chill on friday. I miss her so much.
Thats all i have time for, but I'll try to post again eventually.
"Somebody once told me that people get so caught up in being human doings, they forget how to be human beings"- One of my best friends in the entire world
{hopefully} I'll write soon.
Chloe

a walk in {my} windy city

walked again. and i love it. more and more each time. gonna do it tonight again.

its so unbeleivably soothing. its like....... writing for some ppl.

yesterday was an unbearable day of "family excursions"

which ended in a GIANT blowout with my gma about how angry i was (again...)
but then everything went back to normal
then my aunt gave me this death speech about how i was disrespectful and i was being sucked in by the pc. i just stared at her with an amazingly empty expression. snl was on in the backround which made the entire situation even funnier.

josie,olivia,megan, and i have a website now. its prolly the most awesome thing uve ever seen but its still rough. we (ie josie) just made it on friday.
im eating the famous cheese crunchies from trader joes right now. theyre heaven.
i hav to get off the pc in half and hour.
ugh
i dont have much to say right now. im thrilled my aunt is no longer within a 50 foot radius of me. its bringing the soul back to my body. HALLELUJAH.
ill sign off for now but {hopefully?} post again soon.

loveyoumuchly
chloe

Fall's rollin in, and the leaves are rollin out, as i keep on rollin like the energizer bunny...

Today i did something i havent done in a really long time...

I took a walk.

all by myself.... (well unless u count my two manic "domestic" pugs who cant walk in a straight line. i swear to god; theyre like two incredibly vodka soaked peas in a pod.)

it was probably the best ive felt in weeks. i just spontaneously decided to throw on my P.E. sweats and a sweatshirt, plugged my earphones in my ears( preparing to blast my drums), and walked. all the way to the park. it was soothing. in that really weird way; i couldnt even begin to explain it. i was practically euphoric it was that peaceful.
as i was walking i was thinking "why dont we take more time out of our schedules to do this? why do we choose staring at a computer screen or chatting on the phone for hours, when we could be doing this?"
it all suddenly seemed so ridiculous to me. so... superficial. something ppl like the alligators do. and not just them... but everyone. rarely i see anyone even remotely close to my age walking. older ppl yes, because those ppl realize how idiotic the whole thing is.
hell. even writing this blog is idiotic. i have one "reader", a friend i see everyday. and yet i continue to write to no one when i could be wasting my time walking. but for some reason, blogging seems important to me, too. whether anyone reads it or not. its like a journal. its a place for me to TELL the world (whether they listen or not) about how silly sitting at a pc is. but we do it anyway. (probably because no one knows how great walking is because none of them READ MY BLOG!)

its still technically summer. but its not really. school has started. kids all over the us (and world probably) are hunched over desks reading text books. the sun is not scorching all in its path. but the thing that most tells me its not summer, is the wind.
i can seriously feel autumn in my marrow. its my favorite season, my favorite part of life. i love the idea, no, the thought, of something dying so something else can grow. autumn is the season that cleanses the world, its the streetsweeper that lurks the streets at 5 in the morning, or the lysol wipes that olivia ocd-like cleans our desks with. its the most beatiful season, with the saddest purpose (is it to cheezy to ask "ironic?" at this moment?).
i dont like being outdoors at any other time during the year. falls the only time i come out of my fucking claustrophobic rabbit hole. and just walking is enough for me. no intended purpose. no specific reason or location im trying to get to. i do it just to walk. just to shrink back into your head, but being able to do it with out interruptions or distractions. just allowing yourself to float on your back in the crystal clear blue pool of water. letting your nerves feel the water rippling around you, starting at your toes and climbing all the way up your body to your scalp. you shiver slightly as you think, as the wind whips in your face, drowning out everything else in your fucked up life. it makes me happy being alone. it makes me happy knowing that u can always rely on someone; you. knowing that if u go crazy (as many of us already have) that theres no one there to judge you... except for you. which can sometimes be the worst type of judgement of all, but also the one that gets you through everything unbearable.

and quickly back the the wind thing... my dream city is Chicago. i want that icy cold winter and that amazingly windy fall. it hurts me i long for it so much. "I'm tired of a sunset". im tired of California. of its stupid sun. its stupid happiness and beaches and blonde idiots. i want that dreary harsh weather that makes you hate everything around you. get. me. out. of. here.

my message to you, (josie)
is to walk endlessly. forever. without ceasing. without stopping to think about where youre going or why youre doing it. let ur soon to be exhausted feet carry you to a place uve never been before, or even a place so familiar to you, youve memorized which floarboards squeak when u walk on them. because soon... youre not going to be able to walk. youre not going to be able to forget the world as u dash by all the mocking faces, and the brutal remarks. but the scary part is; its gonna come a lot sooner than you thought. than all of us thought. so we have to do it now. do it before the last grain of sand of our hourglass drifts down to the bottom.

fcukitupnaddaelwtihLFIE

{remember haying and hoing to the that christmas snow[ing?], foooowgetabowwwtit, and start wishing for the swishing of the painful, rain[full] fall.}

ARARARARARARARAR. im a pirrannah... WATCHAGONNADOBOUTITMEGAN?!?!