Still as freaky as ever. Sad. Happy. All around just messed up.
But on top of all this crap, my family just blew up at me because I was lurking like I normall do on the computer, trying to find an interesting blog to read that WASN'T mine. I clicked on one, and some strange porn site came up.
It was a disaster to say in the least. Threats are being thrown at me. People are yelling. My aunt is lurking over my shoulder to make sure I'm not a perv.
Isn't my life just fantastic???????
I'm going to go now. Going to go wallow in silence as my family makes horrible attempts to communicate with me.
Bye. -Chloe
Saturday, November 24, 2007
Tuesday, November 20, 2007
Hello Anyone.
What is wrong with me?
My life doesn't suck. I have a home and things other children would die for. But something is wrong. I might be self inflicting this unto myself, I have no idea. But i feel it.
I had a fantastic time with Luna this passed weekend. But something is so not right.
Even when I get fourteen hours of sleep, I feel tired. Well... not tired exactly. More... weary. Weary of everything. I don't know what I could possibly be weary about. But these feelings pop up in random situations. Lots of time in silence (I suppose that happens because in silence, you have the ability to absorb into your own head).
Even when I'm happy, there are moments when I feel angry, irritated, and flat out pissed off.
When I act happy, and post charming and entertaining things on Buzznet or email Olivia something foolish, the momentary feeling of happiness dissapears a couple minutes afterwards.
I feel as though I'm walking with a Halloween mask on. That it won't come off.
Something is so out of place, off balance. Just... not right.
I should feel joyous. Light like a balloon filled with helium. I have the Fall Out Boy concert next week, a week off, and Thanksgiving coming up in two days.
But I don't feel joyous. I feel flat, and heavy.
At the same time I'm complaining about these feelings, I think I'm self contradicting myself. There are so many moments in a day when I do feel happy. Maybe not airless or soaring happy, but happy. I enjoy many moments of my life. But the times when I don't feel that sense of happiness, the times when i feel flat and heavy seem to outweigh everything else I've ever felt.
There's something else bothering me.
I want somebody to love me. I want to love them.
What bothers me is that this bothers me.
It's not like my family doesn't care and worry about me and love me because I'm blood. But my mind wants more. It wants somebody to want me not because I'm blood, but because I'm there.
I'm only 13 and already I want somebody to love me? And I do mean love. Not like "I wanna get in his pants" or "ohmygod hes hot! I want him to ask me out".
But actual love. The unconditional kind that can drive you to insanity. The kind of love where you devote so much of your soul to one person that something that resembles a hole forms in your stomach. The sense of someone's eyes always watching you, even when you can't see them. The love that makes you warm whenever they speak to you, touch you, or just breathe. The feeling that you're not the only one crazy enough out there to want this. To imagine this.
Adults and parents are always telling teenagers that they don't know everything, and the teenagers always argue back that they do.
But I feel like I do know a lot. A lot more than hundreds of adults out there. But there's so much in my head and I never have time (or the courage) to let it out, that it dissipates into nothingness and then it's gone.
I kind of feel like I'm turning into one of those thoughts.
I also kind of feel like that no matter what I do, no matter what happens, that I am going to be here, solidly, forever. But that maybe no one is going to notice that I didn't float away. Or even notice I wasn't there if I did.
What the hell happened to me. I used to be different. I used to feel different.
Is anybody out there? Or am I alone in this great big, pitch black room of nothing.
One voice may not me able to change the world, but you'd be surprised how much it can change one person's life.
I'm waiting for that voice.
My life doesn't suck. I have a home and things other children would die for. But something is wrong. I might be self inflicting this unto myself, I have no idea. But i feel it.
I had a fantastic time with Luna this passed weekend. But something is so not right.
Even when I get fourteen hours of sleep, I feel tired. Well... not tired exactly. More... weary. Weary of everything. I don't know what I could possibly be weary about. But these feelings pop up in random situations. Lots of time in silence (I suppose that happens because in silence, you have the ability to absorb into your own head).
Even when I'm happy, there are moments when I feel angry, irritated, and flat out pissed off.
When I act happy, and post charming and entertaining things on Buzznet or email Olivia something foolish, the momentary feeling of happiness dissapears a couple minutes afterwards.
I feel as though I'm walking with a Halloween mask on. That it won't come off.
Something is so out of place, off balance. Just... not right.
I should feel joyous. Light like a balloon filled with helium. I have the Fall Out Boy concert next week, a week off, and Thanksgiving coming up in two days.
But I don't feel joyous. I feel flat, and heavy.
At the same time I'm complaining about these feelings, I think I'm self contradicting myself. There are so many moments in a day when I do feel happy. Maybe not airless or soaring happy, but happy. I enjoy many moments of my life. But the times when I don't feel that sense of happiness, the times when i feel flat and heavy seem to outweigh everything else I've ever felt.
There's something else bothering me.
I want somebody to love me. I want to love them.
What bothers me is that this bothers me.
It's not like my family doesn't care and worry about me and love me because I'm blood. But my mind wants more. It wants somebody to want me not because I'm blood, but because I'm there.
I'm only 13 and already I want somebody to love me? And I do mean love. Not like "I wanna get in his pants" or "ohmygod hes hot! I want him to ask me out".
But actual love. The unconditional kind that can drive you to insanity. The kind of love where you devote so much of your soul to one person that something that resembles a hole forms in your stomach. The sense of someone's eyes always watching you, even when you can't see them. The love that makes you warm whenever they speak to you, touch you, or just breathe. The feeling that you're not the only one crazy enough out there to want this. To imagine this.
Adults and parents are always telling teenagers that they don't know everything, and the teenagers always argue back that they do.
But I feel like I do know a lot. A lot more than hundreds of adults out there. But there's so much in my head and I never have time (or the courage) to let it out, that it dissipates into nothingness and then it's gone.
I kind of feel like I'm turning into one of those thoughts.
I also kind of feel like that no matter what I do, no matter what happens, that I am going to be here, solidly, forever. But that maybe no one is going to notice that I didn't float away. Or even notice I wasn't there if I did.
What the hell happened to me. I used to be different. I used to feel different.
Is anybody out there? Or am I alone in this great big, pitch black room of nothing.
One voice may not me able to change the world, but you'd be surprised how much it can change one person's life.
I'm waiting for that voice.
Monday, November 12, 2007
Bleh.ffffff
its been a really really really long time since my last post. and im sorry about that (not that anyone actually READS this thing.)
a lot has happened.
i cant remember if i told you this, but Luna moved to LA. i miss that woman. A lot.
One thing I know i havent informed you about... is Mr. Standridge leaving.
The day he told us, Megan, OLivia, Herron, Josie and I all bawled. Well, they did. I have somehow along my 13 years of crappy life, picked up the inability to cry. SO basically I just felt like shit.
In PE i sat on the field in the fetal position, while all the evil preps/jocks around me complained about how they had to switch their schedules for us damn Honors kids. I swear I almost died.
After Luna left, i went into about a month and a half of deepression. And it sucked.
Everythings been good lately, but I feel like I might be slipping. I dont want to slip.
This weekend is a three day weekend and i have doen absolutely nothing. I have done NONE of my homework (which is very very very bad), apparently, I've been doing a "half-ass job" at my chores, and im leaving for Megan's house in 10 minutes.
whooopeee. :
Herron and Olivia will be there too.
Herron told me something really personal last night. And although i dont quite understand the extent of it, I realize that it was really important to her. I felt really happy when she told me. The other day my grandma told me I had no sense of loyalty. And when Herron told me her story, i promised her, with all my heart, that i wouldn't tell a soul if she wished me not to. I also told her that if she ever needs someone to talk to, or to just be with her, that I'm here.
I've always been here.
I'm vaguely ecstatic though, because Luna's coming up to this crappy hometown of ours. We're going to chill on friday. I miss her so much.
Thats all i have time for, but I'll try to post again eventually.
"Somebody once told me that people get so caught up in being human doings, they forget how to be human beings"- One of my best friends in the entire world
{hopefully} I'll write soon.
Chloe
a lot has happened.
i cant remember if i told you this, but Luna moved to LA. i miss that woman. A lot.
One thing I know i havent informed you about... is Mr. Standridge leaving.
The day he told us, Megan, OLivia, Herron, Josie and I all bawled. Well, they did. I have somehow along my 13 years of crappy life, picked up the inability to cry. SO basically I just felt like shit.
In PE i sat on the field in the fetal position, while all the evil preps/jocks around me complained about how they had to switch their schedules for us damn Honors kids. I swear I almost died.
After Luna left, i went into about a month and a half of deepression. And it sucked.
Everythings been good lately, but I feel like I might be slipping. I dont want to slip.
This weekend is a three day weekend and i have doen absolutely nothing. I have done NONE of my homework (which is very very very bad), apparently, I've been doing a "half-ass job" at my chores, and im leaving for Megan's house in 10 minutes.
whooopeee. :
Herron and Olivia will be there too.
Herron told me something really personal last night. And although i dont quite understand the extent of it, I realize that it was really important to her. I felt really happy when she told me. The other day my grandma told me I had no sense of loyalty. And when Herron told me her story, i promised her, with all my heart, that i wouldn't tell a soul if she wished me not to. I also told her that if she ever needs someone to talk to, or to just be with her, that I'm here.
I've always been here.
I'm vaguely ecstatic though, because Luna's coming up to this crappy hometown of ours. We're going to chill on friday. I miss her so much.
Thats all i have time for, but I'll try to post again eventually.
"Somebody once told me that people get so caught up in being human doings, they forget how to be human beings"- One of my best friends in the entire world
{hopefully} I'll write soon.
Chloe
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