Milk. Cows. Cheese.

I hate the holidays.

They're decieving and backstabbing, and ridiculous and corny (not in a good way).

Everyone sauters over to they're "friends" houses and laughs and gossips and smiles, and gets buzzed (thinking that they're not buzzed because they're socializing politely and in "good company")
The sickiningly fake smiles plastered everywhere. Wasn't there a time when the holidays weren't fake and all about "Oh my, this wine is aaaabbbsolutely to die for"

I hate the fake cheer and the stupid christmas lights and the gingerbread everywhere. Being forced to interact with your family because "thats what the holidays are about".

You're supposed to WANT to be with those people.

I never do. I'd rather run from it all and laugh at some random thing with my friends and pretend everythings not killing me than sit with people who actually think I'm a bitch but act like I'm this intelligent young charming woman.

Fake isn't good. But I've found I have to use it to escape all that adult fake, which is way worse than kid fake.

Kid fake is to try to make you as happy as possible. Adult fake is to make you look happy as possible.

I'm not gonna lie. To anyone. I'm not a happy person (despite my amazing iPod and gorgeous Panic! posters and this computer). I'm not gonna ACT like I am. Maybe my friends don't know the extent to my unhappiness, but they're definitely not oblivious.
Neither is my family. But they ACT like it's not there when we're around other people.

Here's a crazy idea.... WHY DON'T YOU ACT LIKE YOU FEEL FOR ONCE INSTEAD OF PRETENDING YOU'RE "PERFECTLY GREAT" WHEN REALLY YOU JUST WANNA SHOVE THAT GLASS THAT OBNOXIOUS WOMAN WITH THE BUSHY UPPER LIP IS DRINKING DOWN HER FAT LITTLE THROAT?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!!?!?!

Presents. Nice.
Families. Too insane.
Holidays. Total shit, over 7/8ths of the time.

Go prance around in the phony holiday bask while you can.
When you become as bitter and realistic as me, go sit at your computer and blog about how bitter and realiztic you've become.

-suffocating- -choking- -death-

Sentimentally Foolish....

"Americans are soooo sentimental sometimes -exhasperated expression-"
:

This was stated by The Grandomother, and then agreed with by The Aunt.
:
They were talking about Forest Gump winning best picture at the Academy Awards the year it came out.

are
they
fucking
serious
.

Those two hypocrites are always complaining about how I'm not nice enough, and I'm disrespectful and evil and horrible to them. That I need to drop the 'tude.
And then they go and say Americans are to damn sentimental about judgement. ALL BECAUSE FOREST GUMP WON BEST PICTURE, LIKE A MILLION YEARS AGO?!?!?!?!?!?!?!

SERIOUSLY?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!

They're crazy. I don't want them. Here. Over there. Anywhere.

They may be family. But I don't need to love them.

AND THATS ANOTHER THING! They expect respect and expect love, because they raised me and we're blood and they provide for me.

Respect and love aren't things to give away. They're earned.

I'm not OBLIGED to love anyone. Nor do I NEED to respect them.
They give me nothing, but materialistic shit and "care", so suddenly I have to love them unconditionally?!?!?!?!?!?!
W
T
F
.
Bullshit. I hate being with them. I wouldn't even talk to them if I didn't have to see them.
They don't listen. They don't enjoy being with me, either. They pretend they do.

Fuck no.
They stick around because they want to "help" my "anger issues" and make sure I don't swallow a bottle of Advil one night.

They don't want me to turn into my mom.
Therapy, "love", and all that family shit is all crap.

Talking to somebody I'm basically being blackmailed into seeing isn't going to make me less angry, it's going to make me act out more.
I don't think I love them. We have moments, or whatever. But love is not a feeling I think I've ever experienced (and for that matter, I don't expect it. Ever.). They infuriate me. They're insufferable controlling people who are nieve enough to think they love me. They hate talking to me. Being around me, and having to listen to all the angry shit that I spit out.
I don't blame 'em. But don't put a goddamn sticker over it and act like I'm still the wandering little six-year-old who didn't have parents, a home, and still had emotions.

They don't think that, and they know I'm not. Which is why they think I'm gonna kill myself.

all they show, for chrissakes, is sentiment towards everything. Towards that random dog, that tree the lumberjacks are cutting down, and the fish that died in my fish bowl.

Am I evil because I can't stand my family? Is this regular teen angst? No. and No.
I want conversations that don't look down on me. That don't judge me because I hate so many things. Ones where they don't act like they're superior beings and I have to be nice to them because they're my family. With them, family is a traditional word and concept to be followed. But obligations and somebody telling you how to behave, how to be a person, is not what I was taught was family.
Love. Loving them because that's the emotion you feel.
Helping somebody out because thats the emotion your feeling.
Having issues but still being relatively solid.
When you come home sobbing because of something horrible, you're going to go to them because "they're always there". That usually means the sobbing is not caused by just being around them.
Being invading but being able to see the definite boundaries.
Noticing when another family member is feeling something not normal, instead of sauntering by while they type roughly and silently, while staring at a computer screen and saying "at seven get off the computer".

Family. Pffft, wouldn't I love to know what that felt like.
I once made my grandma cry when I told her we weren't a family.
I don't fit in with they're disgusting judgemental ways and they're happy-go-lucky view on life.
They weren't indefinitely left alone in the world at the age of six.
I've been destined to be solitary, on my own since my mom decided she couldn't handle all the shit she got thrown at her. It was going to happen, just looks like I had a few years before it kicked in.

I'm harsh and vicious towards anybody ridiculous, family/friend or not.
If your behavior is repulsive and being around you makes me want to break everyone of your teeth, I'm not gonna sit there with a fucking smile on my face while you sit there acting like THE QUEEN OF ENGLAND, FOR GODS SAKES!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I'm not even connected to them. They don't know who I am. And I don't want them to.
4 1/2 more years.
Only 4 1/2 more years. 4 1/2 more tears.

Thats it.

Then I get flung out on my ass to get eaten alive by the real world.

Thank
God
.